just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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