just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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