Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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