Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
