When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
