My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
