Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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