Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
