After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
