I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
