I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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