I hate your face
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
