Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
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