Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
