When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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