Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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