The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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