If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
