i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
