just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
