Even the bartender felt bad for me
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
