im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
