i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
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