listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
