Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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