My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
