I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
