I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
