He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
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