I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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