Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Randomize
