Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
