There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
