explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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