He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
