Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
