Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
