there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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