I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
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