I met the friendliest cop last night
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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