so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
