I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
