remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
