You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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