This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
