the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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