If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
