Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
