i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
