I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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