things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
